Supermodel Naomi Campbell is apparently 'disappointed' that she was prosecuted for assaulting a police officer at Heathrow Airport.
Not half as disappointed as I was that she escaped with only a community punishment, rather than a jail term.
This vacuous waste of DNA now has convictions on both sides of the Atlantic for assault. She makes millions of pounds a year simply because she is able to walk in a straight line whilst being very thin. Instead of getting angry every time something doesn't go her way, she should be profoundly grateful that there are enough people out there stupid enough to think that what she does for a living matters. If they didn't, she would be just another one of life's nonentities.
Moreover, how the hell did she get away with such a light sentence? Singer Ian Brown and jockey Timmy Murphy were both jailed for similar offences and I see no reason why La Campbell is not doing the same. Yet it seems that the whinging woman can't even recognise her good fortune on this score, either. Makes you sick, doesn't it?
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Thursday, 22 May 2008
In Praise of Fergie
After 2 European Cups, 10 league titles, a Cup-Winners' Cup and goodness knows how many other trophies, Sir Alex Ferguson has earned the right to be regarded as one of the greatest football managers ever. Even if he is a myopic whingebag whose row with the BBC now rates as the third longest sulk in history.
But isn't his greatest achievement that, when people hear the name 'Fergie', they now think of an angry, bucolic Scotsman instead of a plump red-headed princess?
But isn't his greatest achievement that, when people hear the name 'Fergie', they now think of an angry, bucolic Scotsman instead of a plump red-headed princess?
Saturday, 26 January 2008
Bring On The Pies
The British government has had a great new idea to curb the rise in obesity across the nation. They are going to pay fat people to lose weight.
Not only is this an interesting way to penalise people for being healthy and spending their money on gym membership rather than deep fried pizza, it also strikes me that the system is ripe for abuse. Especially by me.
If you need me, I'll be eating my way through a branch of McDonald's. Per day. It's OK, because the government will pay me to lose the weight again, and in the meantime the NHS will pick up the tab for any obesity related illness I develop.
Sounds like a win-win to me.
Not only is this an interesting way to penalise people for being healthy and spending their money on gym membership rather than deep fried pizza, it also strikes me that the system is ripe for abuse. Especially by me.
If you need me, I'll be eating my way through a branch of McDonald's. Per day. It's OK, because the government will pay me to lose the weight again, and in the meantime the NHS will pick up the tab for any obesity related illness I develop.
Sounds like a win-win to me.
Saturday, 19 January 2008
If Truth Be Told
I heard a story the other day of a man who was run down by a car as he was walking home from a party. He was on the pavement and the car was reversing into a driveway.
Understandably annoyed at the driver's lack of care and attention, he kicked out at the car. Whereupon the driver leaped out of the car and punched the still-prostrate man several times in the face. Then he got back into the car and reversed over the man again, breaking the man's leg.
Not unnaturally, the man called the police.
Question: What do you think the police did when they arrived?
If you answered 'arrested the driver' or 'nothing', you get to go and stand in the corner with the dunce's hat on.
The correct answer, of course, is 'they arrested the man for being drunk and disorderly'. Well, his breath smelled of alcohol and he couldn't stand up. Plus the driver told them that the man had kicked his car.
This might sound like a highly entertaining story, but it raises an important point. If the police had listened to both sides of the story and hadn't just assumed that what they were being told by one party was right, they would surely have reacted differently. There's a lesson for us all in this tale.
Understandably annoyed at the driver's lack of care and attention, he kicked out at the car. Whereupon the driver leaped out of the car and punched the still-prostrate man several times in the face. Then he got back into the car and reversed over the man again, breaking the man's leg.
Not unnaturally, the man called the police.
Question: What do you think the police did when they arrived?
If you answered 'arrested the driver' or 'nothing', you get to go and stand in the corner with the dunce's hat on.
The correct answer, of course, is 'they arrested the man for being drunk and disorderly'. Well, his breath smelled of alcohol and he couldn't stand up. Plus the driver told them that the man had kicked his car.
This might sound like a highly entertaining story, but it raises an important point. If the police had listened to both sides of the story and hadn't just assumed that what they were being told by one party was right, they would surely have reacted differently. There's a lesson for us all in this tale.
Sunday, 13 January 2008
The Case For Unnatural Selection
One of the big issues in the news at the moment is organ donation. Specifically, whether people should have to opt out, rather than in, of the organ donation programme.
This morning, someone contacted Sky News to suggest that, if the Government made organ donation mandatory, they should pay for the donors' funerals. He must be the only person who thinks the plan was to kill people for their organs.
Still, it is an interesting way to raise the number of donors. We can start with the idiots...
This morning, someone contacted Sky News to suggest that, if the Government made organ donation mandatory, they should pay for the donors' funerals. He must be the only person who thinks the plan was to kill people for their organs.
Still, it is an interesting way to raise the number of donors. We can start with the idiots...
Saturday, 5 January 2008
Blaming it on the baby
I had an interesting time on the Saturday before Christmas.
First, I got dinged by a speed camera. In ordinary circumstances this would be slightly unfortunate, but the camera in question is practically at the bottom of my road and I just forgot it was there.
Then, en route to darkest Shropshire, I got a slow puncture. Apparently the tyre died of old age, which means I had probably been told it would need replacing soon and had forgotten.
Between these two things, I drove out of a motorway service station with my mobile phone on the roof of my car. I last saw it bouncing under the wheels of the car behind me on the M40.
A number of my friends, upon learning of this, have said I can blame this on having become a father recently. Problem is, I didn't even have the baby in the car at the time. But if having a child is an excuse for any mistakes, I shall take him with me everywhere from now on.
First, I got dinged by a speed camera. In ordinary circumstances this would be slightly unfortunate, but the camera in question is practically at the bottom of my road and I just forgot it was there.
Then, en route to darkest Shropshire, I got a slow puncture. Apparently the tyre died of old age, which means I had probably been told it would need replacing soon and had forgotten.
Between these two things, I drove out of a motorway service station with my mobile phone on the roof of my car. I last saw it bouncing under the wheels of the car behind me on the M40.
A number of my friends, upon learning of this, have said I can blame this on having become a father recently. Problem is, I didn't even have the baby in the car at the time. But if having a child is an excuse for any mistakes, I shall take him with me everywhere from now on.
Monday, 20 August 2007
Let The Game Begin
Imagine this. It is a couple of weeks before the start of a new Premiership season and David Beckham has been arrested, charged with animal cruelty. He says he didn't do it, but the four guys charged with him have confessed and implicated him. He faces a five year prison sentence and a huge fine.
Meanwhile, Rio Ferdinand has been arrested so often in the past few months, he has been banned from playing for a whole season, John Terry is suspended until October after serving a jail term for having an unlicensed firearm and the brightest young star in British football, the one everyone wanted to sign at the end of last season, is refusing to sign a deal until he is offered better terms by the club that thought they'd got him back in April.
It couldn't happen here, could it? You'd like to think not - even if I am writing this on the day that Lee Hughes got out of jail after serving half his sentence for causing death by dangerous driving. Now substitute the names of Michael Vick, Adam 'Pacman' Jones and Terry 'Tank' Johnson and you are just scratching the surface of the fun and games that has been the off-season in America's National Football League.
Of course, having an off season of 6 months does help when it comes to finding time to generate scandal, but in all of the above cases the player concerned managed to do the damage during the season itself and has spent his time fighting afterwards. Indeed Johnson, at the time a defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears, had to get permission from a judge to even play in the Superbowl in February - before nipping inside for two months, a consequence of the firearms offence and a parole violation. Jones, many think, has been harshly dealt with, as the Tennessee Titan's cornerback hasn't actually been convicted of any serious offence - he's just been arrested for a heck of a lot of minor ones.
But it is Vick who is in the biggest trouble. One of the finest quarterbacks of his generation, he has - again as I have been writing this - concluded a plea bargain in which he will admit breeding and training dogs for dogfighting, and allowing them to fight on his land. He faces 5 years in jail and a very big fine. Which is actually a lot better than the federal racketeering charges - basically, a charge that he funded the dogfighting operation and the betting on it - he would've faced without the plea bargain.
Moreover, having served his time, Vick is very unlikely to play football again. This is partly due to the stringent code of conduct brought in by the NFL and their new Commissioner Roger Goodall. Step out of line with Uncle Roger and you are looking at a 10 game suspension, minimum. Moderation has never been a big element of American sport, but I doubt anyone would have anticipated the Goodall revolution. No offense too trivial, no suspension too long, seems to be his motto. And that is for things which happen off the field.
Of course, if you take 1800 young men and pay them upwards of £1m each per year [on average] then you are bound to get one or two bits of misbehaviour. Goodall can never have expected someone to do something as grim as he did. At the same time, the other 1799 can hardly have anticipated a man so puritanical, they are expected to make Snow White look like a slut. Imagine the outcry here if a Premiership player got a 10 match ban if they were convicted of a motoring offence? Jermaine Pennant would just be an expensive footnote in football history, that's for sure.
All of which leaves the Atlanta Falcons without a quarterback, the Titans without their number one kick returner and the Bears without the cornerstone of their defensive line. Out in Cincinatti, no fewer than 9 players have been arrested in the last 12 months and the entire team must be on tenterhooks. The only team cheering will be the Oakland Raiders, who finally got number one draft pick JaMarcus Russell to sign his contract less than 48 hours before the pre-season games began.
With all of this buildup, this has to be one of the most exciting NFL seasons ever. I've not even considered the chances of the Indianapolis Colts retaining their title, of the Bears recovering from their SuperBowl humiliation, and the damage that may have been wrought upon perennial favourites Tampa Bay by their signing of the mercurial Randy Moss, but I can't wait for it all to start.
Meanwhile, Rio Ferdinand has been arrested so often in the past few months, he has been banned from playing for a whole season, John Terry is suspended until October after serving a jail term for having an unlicensed firearm and the brightest young star in British football, the one everyone wanted to sign at the end of last season, is refusing to sign a deal until he is offered better terms by the club that thought they'd got him back in April.
It couldn't happen here, could it? You'd like to think not - even if I am writing this on the day that Lee Hughes got out of jail after serving half his sentence for causing death by dangerous driving. Now substitute the names of Michael Vick, Adam 'Pacman' Jones and Terry 'Tank' Johnson and you are just scratching the surface of the fun and games that has been the off-season in America's National Football League.
Of course, having an off season of 6 months does help when it comes to finding time to generate scandal, but in all of the above cases the player concerned managed to do the damage during the season itself and has spent his time fighting afterwards. Indeed Johnson, at the time a defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears, had to get permission from a judge to even play in the Superbowl in February - before nipping inside for two months, a consequence of the firearms offence and a parole violation. Jones, many think, has been harshly dealt with, as the Tennessee Titan's cornerback hasn't actually been convicted of any serious offence - he's just been arrested for a heck of a lot of minor ones.
But it is Vick who is in the biggest trouble. One of the finest quarterbacks of his generation, he has - again as I have been writing this - concluded a plea bargain in which he will admit breeding and training dogs for dogfighting, and allowing them to fight on his land. He faces 5 years in jail and a very big fine. Which is actually a lot better than the federal racketeering charges - basically, a charge that he funded the dogfighting operation and the betting on it - he would've faced without the plea bargain.
Moreover, having served his time, Vick is very unlikely to play football again. This is partly due to the stringent code of conduct brought in by the NFL and their new Commissioner Roger Goodall. Step out of line with Uncle Roger and you are looking at a 10 game suspension, minimum. Moderation has never been a big element of American sport, but I doubt anyone would have anticipated the Goodall revolution. No offense too trivial, no suspension too long, seems to be his motto. And that is for things which happen off the field.
Of course, if you take 1800 young men and pay them upwards of £1m each per year [on average] then you are bound to get one or two bits of misbehaviour. Goodall can never have expected someone to do something as grim as he did. At the same time, the other 1799 can hardly have anticipated a man so puritanical, they are expected to make Snow White look like a slut. Imagine the outcry here if a Premiership player got a 10 match ban if they were convicted of a motoring offence? Jermaine Pennant would just be an expensive footnote in football history, that's for sure.
All of which leaves the Atlanta Falcons without a quarterback, the Titans without their number one kick returner and the Bears without the cornerstone of their defensive line. Out in Cincinatti, no fewer than 9 players have been arrested in the last 12 months and the entire team must be on tenterhooks. The only team cheering will be the Oakland Raiders, who finally got number one draft pick JaMarcus Russell to sign his contract less than 48 hours before the pre-season games began.
With all of this buildup, this has to be one of the most exciting NFL seasons ever. I've not even considered the chances of the Indianapolis Colts retaining their title, of the Bears recovering from their SuperBowl humiliation, and the damage that may have been wrought upon perennial favourites Tampa Bay by their signing of the mercurial Randy Moss, but I can't wait for it all to start.
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