In another cruel change to my morning lifestyle - wake up, turn on radio, read Foxtrot calendar, wonder why wife is still snoring - XFM have replaced Lauren Laverne as breakfast DJ with Paul 'Tonks' Tonkinson. Now one of the great things about XFM is that they have taken people who were mediocre in their first career - Laverne, Iain Baker (go on, admit it, Kenickie sucked and Jesus Jones were just Mike Edwards' ego trip), Richard Bacon, Shaun Keaveny - and turned them into half decent radio DJs. A sort of media alchemy, turning shit into, if not gold, then something at least more fragrant (though the jury is still out on Keaveny).
With the risibly-named Tonks, the system has broken down. They've taken a very funny stand up comedian and turned him into the most boring man on radio. His show is one long very lame joke, interspersed with the odd funny listener comment. Which he needs, because XFM have suddenly turned him into the least entertaining person on the airwaves. Which, in a world where Chris Moyles still breathes, is something of an achievement.
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The thing about Xfm breakfast show DJs, for me, is how brutally they rip me from my slumber.
My radio is my alarm clock. About a year ago I bought a new stereo which is very aesthetically pleasing, but which has a default alarm volume of EXTREMELY FUCKING LOUD. It is so loud that Hades and his mates knock on their ceilings telling me to turn the music down.
If the radio comes on in the middle of a song it can make or break my day. I don't need to tell you how much music can affect your mood.
However, if the radio comes on when the DJ is speaking, in order to avoid me acting out my homicidal tendencies I need a CALM SOOTHING voice. Auntie Lala was perfect - waking up to her dulcet tones was almost a joy. Sean Keaveny, on the other hand, narrowly escaped being called to take the witness stand at a murder trial.
I have enough self-awareness that had Christian O'Connell been still presenting when I bought the stereo I would definitely have needed the services of Michael Mansfield, QC.
Tonks is up there with Ms Laverne - his voice is so dull that he just nudges me awake, rather than dragging me from my sleep by my inner ear like Mr Keaveny.
Yet now he's gone and Alex Zane has taken over.
I suggest that someone removes all sharp implements from my immediate vicinity until at least 10.30.
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