I don't really read newspapers. I did, once, but now I just don't have time. More importantly, I don't have the inclination. Life's too short to be covered in newsprint.
There are two Saturdays a year when I break this rule. These are the first in January and the second in June. Why? Because that's when the Queen hands out honours to the allegedly deserving. And every last one of them gets published in the papers. Which, to a people geek like me, is like giving a rabbit viagra. I don't care about the headline news, which actor got knighted this year or whatever. The devil, as they say, is in the detail.
Look closely enough and you can find all kinds of things that the headline writers missed. Shamefully, this time around most of them failed to spot a gong for Bob Appleyard, one of the great unsung cricketers of the last 50 years. Anyone who can bowl England to an Ashes win having had most of a lung moved for tuberculosis would, in the modern game, probably be knighted the same week, not have to wait half a century for an MBE.
In amongst that list, I also found these gems:
Nikita Tompkinson - Director, transport security, Department for Transport
Next time there's a rumour of a Russian spy in the security service, we'll know where to start looking...
William John Sim - Farm grieve, Balmoral Estate
The Royal Family are so posh, they even employ someone to cry over their slaughtered animals for them.
Gilbert Charles Godwin Keeys - Yeoman Bed Goer, Queen's Body Guard of the Yeomen of the Guard
You don't want to know what this did to my mind's eye when I read it.
Desmond John Alexander Pawson - Professional knot-tyer and ropemaker
I WANT THIS JOB. How much fun could you have if you spent your whole day tying knots?
Frances Margaret Slade - Former chairwoman of Ladies in Pigs
You get a gong for strap-on porcine bestiality? Cool!
Look closely enough and you can find all kinds of things that the headline writers missed. Shamefully, this time around most of them failed to spot a gong for Bob Appleyard, one of the great unsung cricketers of the last 50 years. Anyone who can bowl England to an Ashes win having had most of a lung moved for tuberculosis would, in the modern game, probably be knighted the same week, not have to wait half a century for an MBE.
In amongst that list, I also found these gems:
Nikita Tompkinson - Director, transport security, Department for Transport
Next time there's a rumour of a Russian spy in the security service, we'll know where to start looking...
William John Sim - Farm grieve, Balmoral Estate
The Royal Family are so posh, they even employ someone to cry over their slaughtered animals for them.
Gilbert Charles Godwin Keeys - Yeoman Bed Goer, Queen's Body Guard of the Yeomen of the Guard
You don't want to know what this did to my mind's eye when I read it.
Desmond John Alexander Pawson - Professional knot-tyer and ropemaker
I WANT THIS JOB. How much fun could you have if you spent your whole day tying knots?
Frances Margaret Slade - Former chairwoman of Ladies in Pigs
You get a gong for strap-on porcine bestiality? Cool!
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